maybe its time to post this. i dont knw sigh i was just looking through it and then i realised i actl tried to make things better. i dont knw, at least fer the past few months 'cos i dont have time to slowly recall stuff and i cant exactly piece everything together i always have a different impression.

and i cant help it 'cos i only knew stuff AFTER it.

so yeah. anw, srsly if you dont knw anything abt it then dont bother to read 'cos you wont understand anw. its not smthng that everyone can. its prolly fer myself to read 'cos when im gna print out all of my entries one day and start reading them. i want to rmbr this.

jan23 12:50pm

i seriously dont know what im doing and i dont know when you are probably gonna read this but i just want to send it to you anw. yeah.

i'm sorry i was pretty harsh that day. but then again. if you could put yourself in my shoes. you cld have realised why. the thing is that. you were giving the one-liner sort of stuff on tues/wed and it got me really scared. i tried to talk to you. but you werent there at all. and you werent talking to jen too. it's almost as if you wanted to cut off all the connections and stuff like that.

I WANTED SO MUCH TO TRUST YOU.
you know i really did. i was hoping for some explanation. something that will tell me that i wasnt wrong in believing you. that you actually tried but it wasnt within your means. i kinda guessed so that your phone was confiscated. i was willing to believe anything you can tell me as long as its logical. not just. plain excuses.

but what you said. really hurt.
no explanations.
just... sorry.
and you didnt even trust me enough to tell me the truth in the first place. i know you were lying because there's no such thing as 'i-had-no-time-kind-of-crap'. or maybe you just wanted to keep things frm me cuz you are feeling guilty and stuff. i
dont know. ><

and then again. i was in this angsty mood throughout. family problems and stuff like that and you completely dao-ed me then. and whats worse was that i just got scolded and was crying pretty badly when you FINALLY called and you didnt even offer an explanation.
the phone call. was not what i had hoped for. and i just hung up because i was speechless.

why am i even sending this.
ugh.
><

1:17pm
and i just really wanted to say that i dont mean even half the things i say ytd. its just. anger i guess. i hope you dont too. but if you do. then. im sorry i sent this msg and you can just bloody well ignore it. if you can get over this fast enough then i'll just try and take it as an error in judgement.